Savor The Good Stuff & Rewire Your Brain For Connection With This Journaling Approach

Imagine eating your favorite meal or having a long-awaited massage. Did you want it to last as long as possible? Did you let the last bite linger on your tongue? Maybe you tried to fully relax as you focused on the sensation of pressure. When we want to appreciate or enhance the experience of something, we savor it—we mindfully connect with it and try to be in the moment. 

Even better, when you think back to that memory again, like reminiscing over old photos, your brain reacts as if you're reliving that experience all over again. It strengthens that memory1 so that you can more easily remember it next time. Revisiting these kinds of positive and uplifting memories can even calm your stress response2. 

In our busy lives, how many days (or weeks) go by when we're more like roommates with our partner, doing chores or watching TV but not really connecting? 

As parents, how much time is spent feeling overwhelmed by parenting, too busy driving our kids, feeding them, worrying about them that we forget to enjoy them? We end up reminding them (again and again) to pick up after themselves and eat their vegetables and forget to enjoy that morning hug. 

High-quality connections play a significant role in enhancing our overall sense of well-being. Research shows that when you are able to savor a relationship, it increases satisfaction4 and happiness and connection5 within that relationship. This is true in various types of relationships, including long-distance relationships4, and those with adolescents,6 older7 adults8, and parents. In fact, there's an association between savoring and friendship quality9. 

"[In parenting], there's a really important part about empathy, which is that it has to stay focused on your child. One really big mistake that parents can make—and it's easy for this to happen—it can become about you quite quickly," says Dr. Jessica Borelli, professor of psychological science at the University of California—Irvine. "Let's say your child got rejected by another kid at school, you can start off feeling concerned about your child but then easily spin off into your own concerns about how this might impact their future and or their friendships." Relational savoring helps parents recognize the difference between their mental state and their child's, ultimately allowing them to better respond to their child.

To begin savoring your relationship, start by recalling a time when you shared an experience or a feeling of love and bonding. Sometimes people gravitate toward big moments because they're easier, like your wedding or the birth of your child. But it could also be something really subtle, like a gentle squeeze of your hand when you needed it or a heartfelt thank you that made you feel loved. 

For parents, it might be helpful to start with a moment of attachment security. As Dr. Borelli explains, this could be "a time when they took special tender loving care of their child. For example, when their child fell down and really needed them for comfort or protection, or a time when they really supported their child's growth or development."

Re-experience the Connection

When you have a moment in mind, try to really focus on it. Sit in the thought and the experience, savoring all aspects of that memory—how it felt, how it looked, what happened, etc. 

You can use these prompts, adapted from the science of relational savoring. 

Engage your senses

When did it happen? Where did it happen? What were you wearing, what was the other person wearing? What did you hear, smell, taste, see, or touch?

Embrace your emotions

How did you feel? Were you feeling happy, calm, or safe? Did you feel the emotions in your body? Are you able to feel the positive emotions again now? 

Reflect on your thoughts

What were you thinking? For example, "My partner really needed me at that moment," or "I'm lucky to have such a supportive friend." 

Extrapolate your relationship 

Focus on how close you felt to that person in the moment of the memory, and then think about how this memory will positively impact your relationship in the future. 

Is there anything else that comes to mind related to this memory? 

If you're looking for ideas on moments to write about, here are some journaling prompts to get you started. Write about: 

A memory with your loved one that makes you smile (include how you felt, where you were, what was said, why it's important)

A tradition you love sharing with your loved one (include the sensory and emotional aspects and what is significant about the history of this tradition) 

A time when your loved one showed kindness, to you or someone else. How did it make you feel? 

A moment when you felt an overwhelming sense of love for your loved one. What sparked this feeling? How did you express it?

Choose an old photo that brings back a fond memory with your loved one. Describe the story behind the photo. What emotions come to mind when thinking about that moment?